Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Aw, Leave the Poor Kid Alone

Everybody's bagging on the Miss Teen USA contestant from South Carolina, 18-year-old Lauren Upton, because she turned into mumbling bowlful of quivering curds when fielding a question about geography education, or our lack of it.

She still finished third in the pageant.

And no wonder. Ms. Upton is so devastatingly beautiful it's scary. A person like this shouldn't have to be smart and articulate as well.

In 1976, President Ford revealed during a debate with Jimmy Carter that he had only a hazy idea of what the Iron Curtain was, and didn't know that Poland was on the other side of it. Very few people made fun of his ignorance at the time, even though he was a) President of the U.S., and b) unlikely to drive anyone mad with desire.

For a chance to interview Ms. Upton on her knowledge of geography, I would climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest river, travel through the Dismal Swamp, and collapse wet, exhausted, and muddy at her feet.

I think she should immediately be named ambassador to Iran, even if she has no idea where it is. Working through a translator, she could meet with Ahmedinejad and skip the geography, instead falling back on the standard beauty-pageant default answer to all questions: "Pray for world peace."

He'd deactivate those reactors in a heartbeat.

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