One day this painful, existential void in the center of my life will be gone. I don't know who or what, or what combination of people, places and/or things will fill it, but I'll be among people and armed with a purpose.The Indian author A.G. Mohan observes that "All of us have experienced times when it felt as though everything was coming apart, disintegrating around us into so many pieces, and we were without a way of holding them together. Yet often what is most fragmented and chaotic about the situation is not the events themselves, but the state of our own minds."*
He goes on to talk about "reintegration," the restoration to a state of mind in which we are able to see things clearly, and experience an underlying sense of order.
Nearly all of us do a lot of damage to ourselves over time, and the toxic society we're living does us damage as well. Healing the damage takes a conscious effort, and the breaking of old habits of body, breath, mind, and food. It may require changes in our environments, both social and physical. Plus the old, discarded habits have to be replaced with new, beneficial behaviors.
I'm at an advanced age to be embarking on such an ambitious undertaking, and I may never finish it. It took years of work and solitude for me to become as discontented as I am now, and a lot of water under the bridge to establish that dead emptiness that fills my insides. I'm embarking out of necessity.
*A.G. Mohan, "Yoga for Body, Breath, and Mind: A Guide to Personal Reintegration;" pps. 3-4
3 comments:
When I gave up my addiction, it felt like that. But when I look back on it and consider what replaced it, it was well worth it. We can learn to like new things more than the old things.
The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine Who You Want to Be.
Neale Donald Walsch
I know it's a bit of a cop-out to borrow words from another, but I think he says it all.
Stay well my friend...we'll share a few sips of beer and a few licks of guitar one of these fine days.
waiting. waiting for the vessal to fill like the jar under the dripping tap. used to water the houseplants. We must honor the creative lest we remain empty. Must fall in love whether it is a woman or growing organic carrots or maybe both. Examine the void all you want like the study of black holes or acknowledge that it is there and fill in the edges.
Sara
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