Wednesday, March 28, 2012

tossing the bull around

The death of the Wall Street bull, the sacred idol of Republicans and free-market cultists, at the hands of #Occupy turned out to be an internet/photoshop hoax. During its brief moment, though, it set off a firestorm of alarm and indignation at the Beliefnet US News and Politics board, where I've been known to hang.

"The people who did this are guilty of destruction of private property," one poster furiously railed, "while every one who hides the identities of the involved can easily be charged with obstructing justice," then went on to call for the "absolute destruction" of Occupy Wall Street.

You're dern tootin. I mean, killing women and children with drone missile attacks in Yemen and Pakistan is regrettable, and of course we're sorry these things have happened and continue to happen over and over again, but goddammit, this is Private Property!

Once it became clear, however, that the god of the hedge fund managers was still standing unharmed behind his NYPD hedge of parking-lot barriers, the mood lightened considerably, with one correspondent noting that "Tourists to NYC like to rub the bull's pendulous testicles for good luck/fortune."

That's news to me, but I believe it and find it interesting, since I've always wanted to know more about the customs, superstitions, and fertility rites of free-market cultists.

Another regular poster answered the call with a full report detailing visits of the faithful to the site to fondle the generative organs of the sacred totem.

Now, I always suspected there were rituals of some sort at that holy site, but had no idea of the extent of them.

I should have known, since I've been aware for some time that the free-market cult is remarkably similar in many ways to the cargo cults of New Guinea and the South Pacific.

A cargo cult works this way: the supplicant speaks into an empty sardine can or some other object which bears a superficial resemblance to a microphone, and calls on a deity such as Joe Navy to send the planes to drop cargoes of Spam,™ Kraft Macaroni & Cheeze,™ and other life-sustaining goods.

Similarly, a free-market cultist prays to deities such as Adam Smith and Ronald Reagan, hoping to gain their intercession in removing all taxes on profit, government regulation, environmental laws, and so forth. They believe that if that was to happen, the unrestrained free market would produce an endless stream of wealth, forever, and everything would be perfect. A pilgrimage to the bullsite to rub the monster's huge nuts is apparently a necessary step in the series of rituals.

I'm sure that most of you are familiar with the story about the time the children of Israel decided to bow down to a golden calf. Remember how that worked out for them?

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